MySweetNoelle

Adoption Officially On Hold :(

2006-12-05T21:16:00.000-06:00

So I have been missing from blogger land for 2 1/2 months now dealing with back/leg pain issues. I have been going to countless doctors appts and getting 'conservative' treatments over the past two months with miminal relief. Now it looks like my only option left is spinal fusion surgery which requires an extensive recovery time.

It looks like adopting a child is officially on hold for me until after surgery and recovery :( They say everything happens for a reason so it must not be the right time yet to become a mommy. I wish it were, I am so ready! There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about my child out there but I gotta take care of myself before I can take care of my child.

Here is a timeline of my symptoms, diagnosis and treatments to date:

Sometime in 2004 - Lower back pain begins intermitently
Fall 2004 - Back pain becomes daily phenomenon
Jan 2005 - Received several Chiropractic treatments (70% relief for several months)
May 2005 - Talk to primary care physician who says to 'take it easy' for a while (what a joke)
April 2006 - Severe pain in right leg and numbness in right foot if standing/walking more than 5 minutes
July 2006 - Primary care physician sends me to Orthopedic doctor (finally!)
July 24, 2006 - X-Ray diagnosis: Grade 2 Spondylolytic Spondylolisthesis
July 26, 2006 - MRI confirms diagnosis
Aug 11, 2006 - Physical Therapy session (what a joke)
Late Aug 2006 - Several Chiropractic treatments (50% relief for less than a week)
Sept 21, 2006 - 1st epidural steroid injection (50% relief)
Oct 12, 2006 - 2nd epidural steroid injection (80% relief for 2 weeks)
Nov 16, 2006 - 3rd epidural steroid injection (90% relief for 4 weeks)
Dec 5, 2006 - Appt with Orthopedic Surgeon who recommends Spinal Fusion surgery
Dec 14, 2006 - Appt with 2nd Orthopedic Surgeon who recommends surgery;
Dec 28, 2006 - Appt with 2nd Orthopedic Surgeon to schedule surgery. Doc provides 3 different surgical options; recommends consult with 3rd Orthopedic Surgeon.
Jan 9, 2007 - Appt scheduled wtih 3rd Orthopedic Surgeon to consult my surgical options.

Next step is to get a second (and third?) opinion to confirm that I actually need surgery. The doc says there is about an 85-90% success rate for someone with my condition. Odds are not too bad I guess. I just want to be able to walk again! I am sooooo ready to do anything to fix this, instead of just treating symptoms that will come back.

FYI, I will be hijacking this blog for at least the next few months for 'back' talk instead of adoption talk. I pray that these next 6-8 months fly by so I can finally start the adoption process!

9|11

2006-09-11T19:55:00.000-05:00

A Day of Remembrance for the 3,030 people (343 firefighters) who innocently lost their lives in the attacks on the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and in the Pennsylvania plane crash.

There has been no other day in my life that I remember as vividly as 09/11/2001. I had just started my first job out of college (09/05). It was around 8am CST and I was sitting in a cube next to the one other person who started with me. We were sitting quietly doing our CBTs (computer-based training), and he had happened to look at www.cnn.com just for kicks. All of the sudden, he said something to the effect of "Oh my God, a plane flew into the world trade center in New York". I got up and went over to his desk, and we kept trying to refresh CNN to see updates, but the site was overloaded. We were thinking, what a terrible plane crash.

Then we hear someone in the office say that a second plane flew into the other tower.

<-pause->

This was the moment we all realized this was no accident and we were under attack. Then reports of a plane crashing into the Pentagon. Then reports of a Plane crashing in Pennsylvania. Then rumors of a plane heading towards the White House. What was going on? How could this be happening? When was it going to stop? Were planes going to start flying into buildings all over the US?

Luckily? our building was attached to one of the local news stations where there were TV's visible from the outside. I would say at least 100 people were outside on the walkway staring up at the TV's. No one was moving. No one was talking. Everyone in disbelief. All of the sudden a plane flies over us <-gasp-> My heart dropped. I couldn't breathe. My heart was racing. I still remember that feeling like it was yesterday. We were about 20 miles from the airport and it must have been one of the last planes to land due to the FAA halting all flights in the US.

We went back upstairs and looked out the windows of the 9th floor of our building. We could see people in the Federal building across from us staring back. How scared they must have been. We were sent home since we were so close to the Fed building.

I cried the entire drive home. I cried as I watched all of the news channels.

I stared at the tv until I couldn't anymore.

I will never forget. I will never forget the people in those buildings. I will never forget the people in those airplanes. I will never forget the families of the individuals that lost their lives. I will never forget the images burned into my memory of the towers burning, and then the towers falling. I will never forget the fear in everyone's eyes. I will never forget my own fear.

Where Did I Go?

2006-09-07T00:17:00.000-05:00

I have been quite absent from blogger land lately (and forums too). I wish I could say it was because I was basking in the sun on some tropical island somewhere, but alas, no. Just getting acclimated with the new job and getting all of my affairs in order.

4 weeks into the new job and still doing paper work for benefits and switching assets over. Did you know if you work for a financial institution, it is a federal requirement that that particular institution hold all of your financial assets (at least the ones in equities, fixed income, etc)?? Yep, didn't know that. I have little bits here and there, (and everywhere it seems) and am in the process of switching it all...what a pain. Well, I do have the option of having all of my 'statements' sent to my manager monthly, quarterly, etc., but then have to get everyone and their brother to approve holding outside accounts as well. I figured it would just be easier to move everything over. Damn the Enron and WorldCom Execs ;)

Since I have no adoption news myself, I wanted to give a HUGE shout out to MBG and Elle and CS!!!

It seems all of our prayers have finally been answered and MBG has received approval of Zeeb's Dossier! I am so happy for her, her family, and Zeeb. Congratulations! May it be a very short wait for travel approval to pick little one up and bring him home :)

Also, Elle and CS have officially become parents to little Pickle in Russia. YAY! They have waited patiently for so long to become a family and they finally made it! Congrats to you guys too! I hope the rest of your stay in Russia is fabulous and you have a safe trip home :)

I've Been Tagged!

2006-08-27T23:30:00.000-05:00

Once again, it has been almost a week since I posted. There is not much new on the adoption front. I did a phone interview last Wednesday with one of the agencies I am interested in, and I am waiting for another one to get back to me to schedule some time to chat. I emailed them last Tuesday and they have still not gotten back to me...hmmm...that doesn't seem like a good sign :(

Mrs. BG has tagged me to list 5 things weird about myself, so I actually have something to post! Here goes:

1. I love to clean and organize things...and I generally do these things on a total whim. I could be sitting there watching tv and all of the sudden get an itch to say organize a closet, or vacuum the whole house, or even roll all of my spare change. I am also a total night person, so I am generally doing these things after 8pm. It is kinda like my own personal relaxation. Some people have yoga or a hot bath, I have cleaning/organizing.

2. I have to use a new towel after every shower. I grew up that way and it was not until I was in my mid-twenties that I realized (through my friends) that a lot of people will use the same towel all week. So even though I am single, I own like 10 towels!

3. My big toe is longer than the rest of my toes. WhenI was a teenager, I started noticing that most people's big toes are actually shorter than their second toe. I always thought it was normal for the big toe to be longer...I mean, it isn't called the big toe for nothin'. Yes, I am strange, my friends will agree ;)

4. I am a *very* picky meat eater. I will not eat any flaws in chicken, turkey, pork chops, steak. I will cut off all of the visible fat and veins before I eat it. You will therefore never see me eat say, a chicken sandwich, 'cause I can't 'inspect' it before I eat it. But figure this one out, I will eat ground beef, bacon, and salami with no problem. I am my father's daughter on this one...

5. I live in the house that I grew up in. My family (five of us) lived in this ~900 sq ft house for my first 18 years (we all shared 1 bathroom, ugghh). My parents then bought a big, beautiful house that we moved to. When I was 21, I moved into an apt with a friend but things went sour. Long story short, my parents still had the house sitting there empty so I decided to rent it from them. Here I am 8 years later :)

*********************************************
Some well wishes for this week:

- That Elle and CS have a safe trip to pick up Pickle in Russia
- That Mrs. BG hears some good news about Zeeb

This is a little late but...

2006-08-21T00:25:00.000-05:00

I wanted to congratulate Elle and CS for getting their court date!!! I am so excited for you guys!!!

For those of you who don't read their blog, they are adopting a little boy from Russia and finally got the court date to pick up their son and bring him home. They have had quite a long and complicated journey, but they are finally getting to bring their son home.

If you have a chance, hop on over to their blog and wish them well on their final journey to Russia. As of right now, they have 7 days, 13 hours and 11 minutes till they leave :)

4th Agency Info Meeting

2006-08-21T00:06:00.000-05:00

Wow, I cannot believe it has been almost a week since I have posted! There has been nothing new to report really and I have been busy learning my new job. I feel like I am so far behind catching up on blogs, forums, etc. Missing a week really puts a person behind! I had planned to use my lunch hour to catch up as all I ever really do is eat lunch at my desk anyway...but I found out really quickly that ALL of the sites I read on a daily basis are blocked :(...grrrr. Being a brokerage firm, I can see them being really strict about the web, but come on...I cannot even get to blogs, not even my own!!!

Oh well...

So I woke up early this morning and remembered that CH(hope)I was having an info meeting today. I am really not too interested in this agency but thought, what the heck, I'll go. Their office was *really* nice...all of the state of the art equipment, entire building to themselves, very nicely decorated, etc. I guess I can see that since it is their home office, but I was still a little surprised at how much money they pour into their facilities.

So their wait times for VN are 4-6 mos for a boy, 18-24 mos for a girl. Wait, did I just see 18-24 mos??? wow, that is longer than any agency has quoted so far. Granted since I am single, I do not believe I get a choice, but it still scares me that it could be more than 2 years before I would get a referral. Soooo many things can happen in two years (in terms of the country). I have so many worries...what if I wait say 18 mos and then for some reason VN shuts down...then I have to start all over. And then there is the worry about having to redo paperwork over and over cause it expires. One interesting thing they said is that they don't have PAPs put together their Dossier until they get a referral b/c it is only good for 6 mo in VN. I hadn't heard that before...interesting.

Chances are I will not be going with them, but I am glad I went...it is always a good learning experience.

Oh, and one rumor I heard is that there is a good chance that China is going to cease Single adoptions all together. Wow, I am glad I did not have my heart set on China. They said that they will know more in the coming weeks, but I was shocked to hear this. They did say they thing that singles may still be able to adopt Waiting Children, but they are not 100% sure yet...

One tiny Step Closer...

2006-08-15T21:16:00.000-05:00

Well, I FINALLY started my new job yesterday!!! I am so glad I am finally in a place where I have actual work to do!! I may be in the minority on this but, I cannot stand having downtime at work. Don't get me wrong, I like time for my occasional check on CNN to make sure the world is still turning, but I thrive on interesting, challenging work. Quite unfortunately I had an average of 60% downtime per week at my last job...grrr. That amounts to about 24 hours a week of nothing productive to do. Being the geek that I am, I actually kept a spreadsheet of every hour of downtime per day that I had...hey, what else was I gonna do?!?

After a while, I finally accepted it and decided it would be a good use of time to research adoption...and get paid quite nicely for it :) I started finding online forums and yahoo groups to follow and eventually got hooked on the blogs too. My only problem now is, I don't have those extra 5 hours a day anymore to keep up with everything. It has only been 2 days, and I am already so far behind, lol :) ahh, well...it was good while it lasted.

Ok, next steps...I need to get my butt in gear and choose a homestudy agency and an adoption agency...hopefully you will hear more about this sooner rather than later :)

Corruption in Vietnam

2006-08-11T08:52:00.000-05:00

Thank you Mrs. Broccoli Guy for your latest post answering some questions posed to you, including what you know about possible corruption rearing it's ugly head again in VN. I was told by one of the agencies I am looking at that they are starting to see corruption again in VN adoptions, but they did not elaborate. What they did say is that they are working with the VN Government and other agencies to try and stop this corruption before it gets out of control (which I was very happy to hear). Now, they are the only agency that has mentioned this, which in my opinion shows a lot about the integrity of the agency.

Anyways, here is the post I was referring to that gives a really good explanation about what is going on in VN as far as corruption, and why it can possibly cause delays for PAPs. Thank you MBG for being so open and honest with this information :)

3rd Agency Info Mtg...And In A Better Mood :)

2006-08-10T11:16:00.000-05:00

I wanted to thank all of you who commented on my yucky day post. You all made me smile and I am feeling back to normal again. My Orthopedic doc had put me on a med for nerve pain that doubles as an anti-depressant and all it did was mess with my head! Needless to say, I am no longer taking it. But the bad news is I have to do PT for the next couple of weeks...C'est La Vie

So I attended another Agency Info meeting on Wednesday and it was a bit of an eye-opener. I was not too excited about this agency in the first place, but thought, what the heck. During the meeting, the topic of the Hague / Guatemala situation came up (shh, by me) and one of the PAPs who didn't know what this is asked what the reason was that adoptions could halt there. The lady doing the presentation looked down at the floor, shook her head, and said "I don't know". Umm, what?? You have worked at the agency for 5 years, have a Guat program, and you DON'T KNOW?? Shoot, even I know the general reasons (which I proceeded to offer up). She did try to cover herself and give a *very* general interpretation but still, can we say red flag? I just wanted to laugh.

Anyway, the other thing that rubbed me the wrong was was that they said said most agencys make PAPs pay for these info meetings and acted like their agency is generous and doesn't make people pay. Again, umm, what?? I have yet to find an agency that requires payment for a general info meeting. Maybe I just have not been looking at *those* agencies. I am certainly not going to act grateful that they took 1.5 hours out of their day to tell me about their agency/programs. I feel like it should be expected that these are free, especially since when we sign with them, they get $4000-$5000 out of me. Just my two cents:)

Well, I think I can cross that agency off my list. I now have two, out of state contenders. I have not really heard anything bad about either one. My next step is to schedule one-on-one meetings with them and go over all of my detailed questions.

Lastly, I wanted to put a little plug in here for a product called True Lemon. If you like lemon in your water, tea, etc, this is the product for you. It is so yummy. One of my co-workers gave me a few packets last week to try and I am addicted. I just add it to a cup of water, stir, and Voila...yummy water. It is real crystalized lemon with no added sugar or sweetners, no calories, no carbs...nothing but lemon. Did I mention that it was yummy :) Now I just need to find somewhere on the web that doesn't charge $6+ to ship some to me!

One Of Those Yucky Days...For No Good Reason

2006-08-08T12:05:00.000-05:00

I am having a 'chemically imbalanced' day today...just sucks :(

I feel like I just want to go home, crawl into bed, put the covers over my head and sleep for 24 hours straight. I think several small stresses are rolling up into one big stress ball and causing this...grrr GO AWAY!

I hate HATE cell phones. Why is it that people get mad at you if they call you on your cell phone and you don't immediately pick up...or return the call within 5 minutes?? I feel like 2 of my friends are not so happy with me right now b/c they called this weekend and I did not answer (1) because I was away from my phone or (2) because I just didn't feel like talking at that moment. They know this is how I am, yet they still get perturbed when I don't answer or return the call right away. I am just not one of those people who likes to talk to people all day long. I like my alone time (while I still have it)...and I don't get mad if someone doesn't answer/call back right away when I call (of course, I do not make that many phone calls, again that is just not me).

I feel like my body is falling apart at the seams...asthma, unfounded heart palps treated with meds that irritate the asthma, stress fracture on one of my vertabrate causing a nasty pinched sciatic nerve, dental crown that is just not sitting right at the moment. I am too young for this right? And will anyone actually let me adopt with all my 'medical' problems?

And don't get me started on work...If I have to sit here with one more hour of absolutely nothing to do, I think I am going to literally go crazy!

whew, I actually think I am feeling a little better after getting it all out. For anyone reading this, thanks for listening to me be a crab.

Is It Monday Already?!?!

2006-08-07T14:17:00.000-05:00

Wow, how the weekend went by so fast!

I went and saw "You, Me, and Dupree" on Saturday for my friend's birthday. It was hilarious! I cannot believe I actually liked the movie despite the fact that it had a cheesy ending and I absolutely cannot stand Owen Wilson. I think most of my dislike towards him has to do with his nose. I know, that is a pretty superficial reason not to like someone, but hey...

I was planning on really hunkering down and researching homestudy agencies online this weekend, with the hopes of having a list of phone numbers and questions to ask in hand by Monday morning...well that didn't happen ;) Somehow, yesterday just flew by (I guess that 3 hour nap probably had something to do with it).

I have an agency info meeting in my area to go to tomorrow evening. I was excited about it 'till I began reading their policies... They seem pretty strict with their PAPs (i.e. they even have a suggested weight limit, even for those not adopting from Korea). I would fulfill the weight limit if I were like 5'7", but unfortunately I am only 5'4" ;) Well, I am still gonna go and check it out.

Oh, and I wanted to thank everyone for their comments regarding my attempts at gardening. I will definitely go the petunia route next year per Elle. And yes, I am pretty sure I did over-water the aloe. I think I was watering it like every other day, lol.

I Want To Start My New Job NOW

2006-08-04T12:59:00.000-05:00

I cannot wait till I start my new job on the 14th. Cannot wait. For one reason, I am *very* eager about leaving my current place of employment for reasons I am sure I will blog about once I am outta here. Another reason (and the most important) is that once I start my new job, I am going to offically start the adoption process! I will gain full time employment with a nice salary, full benefits including health insurance, life insurance and disability, paid vacation, and 12 weeks of FMLA for maternity leave.

I left a job with all of these perks back in November of 2005, but the downside of that job was that I traveled almost 100% of the time, and therefore it was not possible for me to adopt. I finally decided that having a family was *much* more important to me than being some high-powered executive consultant who works 80 hrs a week and is only home on the weekends. I resigned as soon as I could. I have been working as a IT consultant...contractor...whatever you want to call it...for about 6 months now and it just kinda sucks. No vacation, no time off, crappy benefits, no real sense of belonging.

I swear, the closer the 14th gets, the more impatient I get! I keep reading forums and blogs and seeing others so far in the process and I get jealous. Then I think, well if I am this impatient now, how will I be when I am waiting for DTV, waiting for a referral, waiting for travel, etc...I can only begin to empathize with those folks in the real waiting stages.

If Gardening Is Anything Like Parenting...I'm In Trouble!

2006-08-03T16:57:00.000-05:00

I know, I know, I am laughing too...This was my first attempt at growing flowers all on my own...and I failed misrably! Acutally, I am not going to take all of the blame for it, Mother Nature and her recent heat wave must take some responsibility (but I have to admit my flowers were on the decline before the heat, shhh).

What amazes me is that there are actually 2 petunias still in bloom! They just don't seem to want to die. Well, I admire their strength and perseverance, but I want to take the ugly thing down...but don't want to kill them in the process.

Elle, being the master gardner that you are, any suggestions for next year? I will definitely do petunias again, but will stay away from the zinias (sp?).

I did have to share my gardening success though also. Below is my Myer Lemon Tree, grown from a cutting from my mom's tree. For some reason, this thing rooted and just took off. Out of 6 cuttings my mom did and gave away, this is the only one still living. This is the only reason I think that I can try the hanging basket again next year :) I can't wait till I start getting actual lemons. My mom gets tons of lemons each year, full size and all!

Soooo, can anyone tell me why I cannot keep simple petunias, zinias, AND an aloe plant alive, but I can grow a lemon tree from a cutting!?!? (yes, I really did kill an aloe plant; I didn't think that was possible till it happened)

May 29, 2006 (First growth!)

June 3, 2006 (Come on baby leaves, grow...grow...)

June 8, 2006 (Wow, baby leaves almost full grown in 1 week!)

August 3, 2006

(Finally, more new growth, baby was tired and rested for a while, but didn't let Mother Nature's heat get to it)

Wait, I know something else...

2006-08-01T08:21:00.000-05:00

So last night I was at my parents house in the living room with my mom and Noelle the cat (due to...ah hem...a reason I said I would not mention any more...) and we were talking about how attached Noelle is to me. She was glued to my lap the entire evening (well, every evening really). Anyway, my mom said something along the lines of 'boy, she is sure not going to like it when the baby comes and she can't be on your lap all of the time'. My heart smiled.

This may not sound like much to the average person, but it was huge for me. My mom hasn't voluntarily talked about the adoption yet (at least to me). Every time I mention it, she gives the 'oh, uh huh' answer and then the subject changes. I know she is just worried about me being able to handle being a single mother...heck I am worried about me...but I cannot let the 'what ifs' keep me from following my dreams of family and motherhood.

I now know my mom is coming to grips with the fact that I am actually going to do this and that she is going to have a grandchild (maybe even her first if I can beat my sister and brother to it!). Now I guess I have to start working on my dad...he is a different story altogether. Multiply my mom's worries by about 100 and you can begin to understand him and how difficult convincing him will be...

What I Know...

2006-08-01T07:40:00.000-05:00

Not much has been going on to blog about, but I figured it has been almost a week so I would post what I know...

I know things were finally getting back to normal when my power went out yesterday...but have no fear, it was only a 4 hour outage due to the extreme temps...whew!
(ok, I promise, I will stop talking about the outages!)

I know that it is hot as *heck* here in the midwest...yuk...I cannot wait until fall comes.

I know that this researching agencies stuff is so confusing. I get more confused everyday. I hear good and bad about all of the agencies I am looking at...except for one where I only have heard good things...which confuses me even more. I had no clue when I started this how careful one has to be when picking an agency. I wish there was a guide that listed all of the 'good, ethical' agencies and I could just close my eyes, point, and pick one! I don't care who facilitates this adoption, I just want to bring my child home.

I know that Elle and CS are anxiously awaiting notification regarding their pre-trial hearing in Russia. Please keep them in your prayers!!

I know (and now you do too) that I am a crabby girl today for some reason ;)
(Thanks for bearing with me)

and that's all I know right now...

Vietnam Is Where My Heart Is

2006-07-26T09:57:00.000-05:00

*grinning from ear to ear* I got my power back yesterday and I am on top of the world! I was so happy to have my bed back that I laid down at 6pm and didn't wake up until 6am this morning! Didn't even get up to have dinner, and for anyone who knows me well, they know I am not one to skip meals! There are still 100,000 without power as of this morning and my heart aches for those folks. They are all in my prayers for a speedy power restoration.

I wanted to thank Whisper for reminding me in my last post that I should not let an agency steer me into a certain country, but rather to choose a country that I feel drawn to. I have been thinking about adopting from Vietnam for a long time now; ever since I found out that due to an *insignificant* medical reason, I would not be able to adopt from Kaz. That broke my heart initially, because I was totally drawn there from the start. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and therefore even though I do not know the reason at the moment, fate has brought me to Vietnam.

I realize that adopting from Vietnam will be a long, arduous journey; however that is where I feel my child is waiting for me. I am definitely up for the challenge; For goodness sake, I majored in Mathematics in college for the complexity of it! This will also tell you that I am completely Left-Brained; Things always have to be organized, logical, black and white. I am sure this will present quite a challenge for me as I continue in this process :)

I guess I can go on the record now and say that I have officially chosen Vietnam as my adopting country. Whew, 1st major decision made!

2nd Agency Info Meeting...and...Electricity

2006-07-25T09:13:00.000-05:00

Power Update:
Day 6 of no power, but I truly believe in my heart that it will come on TODAY!!! Ameren reports there are still 156,906 customers without power, but promises that 90% will be on by EOD...hahaha...we will see (Oh thats right, I am supposed to be staying positve)

Agency Info Meeting:
Yesterday I attended an info meeting for one of the agencies I have been seriously considering. I was really impressed with how open they were with PAPs regarding positives *and* negatives of choosing different countries. They also gave a lot of information regarding the adoption process in general, which is more than I can say for the first agency I met with.

Unfortunately, they were actually pretty negative about choosing Vietnam to adopt from. Well, maybe not negative per se, but they definitely wanted to warn all of us that since Vietnam reopened, everything has changed and there are lots of unknowns. They said there is a lot more bureaucracy to deal with and they are already starting to see the beginnings of bribes and corruption. And things are going slowwww...Out of hundreds DTV families, only 40 referrals have been given out so far...total.

The current referral time is between 9-12 months (at least for their agency). After referral, I think they said another 3 months to travel. Actually though, I am thinking that might be perfect for me because I feel like I need at least 1.5-2 years before I am ready to bring my child home. I would like to be in my new job at least a year, I could stand to save a bit more money, and I would like to have the time to educate myself on parenting.

They talked very highly of their Ethiopia program and how successful it has been. I believe they completed around 110 adoptions last year and expect at least 150 this year from there. I am not completely sold on the idea of adopting from there yet, but I wasn't sold on Vietnam for a while either! My only concern with Ethiopia is the inter-racial aspect of a white mother and a black child. Personally, it doesn't bother me at all, a child is a child...white, black, green or purple. But I feel like society might not be as open and accepting as me. Well, I suppose this can and most likely will also be an issue if I adopt from Vietnam though...

Lots to think about as I continue my agency research :) Someday soon I will finally get up the courage to actually contact adoptive families about their experiences.

Electricity Gods, Have Mercy On Me...

2006-07-24T07:24:00.000-05:00

Day 5 with no power :( I am staying optimistic that I will get it back today. Ameren says all customers should have power restored by Wednesday at the latest (I will believe it when I see it). The current number of outages as of 7am today is 237,000.

I thought I would be going crazy this weekend without any tv or internet, but actually, I was so busy 'taking care of things' that I didn't even miss it. I moved into an empty apartment above my dad's company along with my parents, my kitties, and my parents dog. 3 adults and 3 animals in 2 rooms, 1 bathroom, but it actually wasn't too bad. Spent lots of time at the laundromat, driving between my house, the apt, and my parents house moving things around, cleaning out the fridge, looking for gas stations and restaurants with power, maneuvering through intersections and streets without working lights, etc. Wow, I had no idea how much food I actually had in my fridge! 4 trash bags worth of warm, mushy, smelly food. It is kinda nice to have it all cleaned out, but I am sure I lost a few hundred $$ worth of food.

This minor 'tragedy' has made me think a lot about last year and the hurricane damage, especially Katrina. Don't worry, I am not even going to try to compare this with that! It has made me realize that I don't even have a clue what those people went through (and are still going through). I keep reminding myself that I have it so much better off than any of those folks. I have decided to make a list of things I am thankful for in spite of no power (in no particular order):

- all family, friends, pets, and neighbors are safe and un-hurt
- an air conditioned car
- streets to drive on
- restaurants to eat at
- stores to shop at
- gas stations to fill up at
- laundromats to wash my clothes in
- clean water to drink and take showers with
- a house with no damage
- no trees broken or uprooted to deal with
- money to be able to eat out, pay for extra gas used, wash my clothes, buy flashlights and candles...
- cell phone service to connect with family and friends
- Panera restaurant with WIFI (even though I didn't take advantage of it, it is there!)
- High temps have lowered to around 90 degrees, instead of the unbearable 100 degrees last week (wait a minute, 90 degrees is bearable?!?!)

...and I am sure there are many more things I cannot think of at the moment :)

**********************

Short update on the Adoption front: I have a meeting this evening with an agency that I am very interested in :) I have been waiting for quite a few weeks for this so I am hoping it goes well.

"Its Gettin' HOT In Here...."

2006-07-21T08:10:00.000-05:00

What could be worse than 100+ degree weather for the past 5 days?? 100+ degree weather with NO electricity! A nice big storm popped up suddenly Wednesday night and knocked out power to ~500,000 Ameren customers throughout the area...Ugghh. I am not surprised that I am out since I seem to always be one of the first people to lose power in a storm. What I am surprised about is that my parents and friends also don't have power, so there is really not much of a reprieve for me (or them). And my poor kitties, they don't know what the heck is going on...poor babies. I wish there was something I could do for them! I read today that it will likely be at least 5 days before power is restored....uggh again. It sure does make me appreciate what all I have and realize how much I take it for granted. It also makes me actually *want* to go to work to get some relief...and an internet connection :)

Here are some pictures of the storm aftermath I thought were interesting. The first one will likely perpetuate the stigma the Midwest has for being 'bumpkin' or 'trailer', but I promise, we don't all live in trailers (and I am sure glad I don't by looking at the picture). I borrowed these from www.kmov.com (I hope that is not illegal!):

12:30 PM Update: Another storm just ripped through, more trees down, more power lines down. Ameren now reports 510,000 without power. And more storms are still on the way. Isn't this supposed to happen in the spring and not the middle of summer?!?! Guess I will be waiting a few extra days for power now...This weekend is going to be interesting with no tv or internet ;) Finger puppet games anyone?

2:00 PM Update: 550,000 w/o power...and going...and going...

So When Am I Gonna Start This Process Already?!?!

2006-07-17T22:41:00.000-05:00

That is the question I am sure my friends and family are wondering right now..."She keeps talking about adoption, but hasn't seemed to move forward, is she really going to do it?" I know, I know, I feel the same way. I really want to be knee-deep right now with the homestudy / dossier process, but something is holding me back from jumping in just yet. I am not sure what...fear? yep, that is probably it! Fear that maybe I am not ready to be a mom yet...that maybe I couldn't handle it; fear about not having enough money saved yet; fear about not choosing the right agency; fear about things with my new job. I just received a packet with some benefits info and found out that I cannot take maternity leave until I have been there for at least a year. What if I start the process, and by some miracle, it takes less than a year?? Chances are I am worrying about that for nothing...but I guess you never know.

I just have to keep telling myself to calm down and it will all happen when it is the right time. I have a few more info meetings to attend in the next 4 weeks so that will give me something to look forward to and keep me feeling like I am still 'on track' :)

My Thoughts on the Disruption Article...

2006-07-13T14:45:00.000-05:00

This article really touched me and I wanted to post some of the thoughts and feelings that went through my mind as I was reading it:

"I guess since I live China 24/7, I assume everyone adopting does, too, which is not the case. I talked to at least a dozen parents who didn't even know their child's orphanage name..."

This just baffled me that there are PAPs out there that either do not know much about their adopting country, or don't want to know. I can't wait to get to the country and soak up as MUCH culture and background information as I can (and of course to meet my child and take him or her home:). I think it is only fair to the child that they have as much information as they can regarding their birthplace and heritage. It was not their choice to be given up, or to leave their birth country for that matter. Whether he or she chooses to embrace this information or not is up to him or her.

"...at the same time I was trying to process how many parents get all the way to China without ever reading about post-institutional issues."

I give a big thank you to all of the forums, blogs, and overall adoption community out there on the web for helping me realize pretty early on in my research the existence and severity of post-institutionalized issues that can be present in adopted children. I was very much 'in the dark' about this at first and now I am trying to read up about these types of issues as much as possible. I can't wait till my 2006 edition of "Building the Bonds of Attachment" by Daniel A Hughes comes in the mail:)

Two other books on my 'list of books to read' are "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew" and "Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control..."

"I think for many adoptive parents, they just don't want to read the "bad stuff", and so I do think that ultimately it is the parents who are at fault for not doing more to educate themselves."

I thought this was interesting because I am the type of person who actually *seeks* out the bad stories! I want to know every possibility that exists, good or bad...and if all I find are sunshine and rainbows on a topic, I keep on searching. There is always a negative experience or opinion somewhere. Of course, I do take the bad stores with a grain of salt and consider the biases and sources...

I do agree with the statement somewhat that some parents may be at fault for not preparing themselves fully...but who knows how fully prepared I will be even with all of the research I am doing and plan to do? I am not sure anyone can be %100 percent prepared...but I am trying my best :)

"It is always a very sad day for the orphanage and everyone involved when a child that they know is absolutely fine, but perhaps thin and grieving, is returned by their new parents for being "delayed"."

To be completely honest, it had never even occurred to me that once I accepted a referral and/or was home with my child, that I would disrupt if things were different than I expected...meaning the child had issues I was not prepared for. I honestly didn't even know that word meant the first time I read it...or that it was even an option for adoptive parents.

"I think far too many people believe their child's life is going to begin the moment they meet them. The truth is, and everyone must realize it...a child's life is going on RIGHT NOW..."

This statement just reminded me of how much of my child's life I will miss out on. It made me want to cry thinking that my child could right now be experiencing things that I will never be able to be a part of.

Interesting Article (Letter) on Disruption

2006-07-13T11:48:00.000-05:00

This is long but definitely worth the read. I found this letter on the Soul Of Adoption forum and have copied it here. It is written with respect to China adoptions, but I think that it really holds true for all institutionalized children, regardless of country.

"This letter (long letter) is from Amy Eldrige of Love Without Boundaries on her view on disrupting an adoption."

"I have been so saddened by this situation. I most definitely wish there was a way to educate ALL adoptive parents about the truths of institutional care, however I have come to realize in my daily work that just as many parents are not online reading everything they can find on adoption as are. There are hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of parents out there who have no idea what life is like for a child in an orphanage, and who head overseas to pick up their "China doll" only to be handed a baby who is unresponsive, thin, unable to eat...and on and on and on. While adopting my son last month, I walked several times over to the White Swan to talk to parents, and over and over I spoke with moms and dads who had no clue whatsoever about the issues their kids were having. I heard so many times things like, "she won't eat solid foods" (oral aversion), "she has no muscle tone"(muscle atrophy from lying in a crib all day), "she won't smile" (pure grieving from being taken from her foster mom). I guess since I live China 24/7, I assume everyone adopting does, too, which is not the case. I talked to at least a dozen parents who didn't even know their child's orphanage name, and while I gently said "you might want to memorize that for your child's sake", at the same time I was trying to process how many parents get all the way to China without ever reading about post-institutional issues. It was sobering to me. Babies in the NSN as well as the SN path can have issues with attachment, motor skills, emotional issues and more. I think all of us on the WCC list acknowledge that, while also acknowledging that all children (whether bio or not) can have these same issues. Living in an orphanage of course increases the odds.

I think the easy out is to say that agencies have to do more, as well as social workers, but I do think that most of them do try to give information to the parents but often parents don't want to hear it or else think it won't happen to them. Again, I am often surprised to talk to parents leaving soon and to realize they are not prepared. One family was adopting from our foster care program, and when I told them that the child was DEEPLY attached to the mom, the father said, "guess she might cry for an hour or so then?" An hour or so? She had been in foster care for over a year! I tried to explain that this little girl was about ready to lose everything she had ever known, and that they should not expect her to be sunny, happy, and full of personality after an hour. I told them to please remember the 72 hour rule.......that after 72 hours they would probably see her spark, but that she would probably grieve for a long time after that as well.

I think for many adoptive parents, they just don't want to read the "bad stuff", and so I do think that ultimately it is the parents who are at fault for not doing more to educate themselves. There certainly are books galore out there about post-institutional issues. I equate this to when I was pregnant with my kids and I would read "What to Expect When Expecting", and I would get to the C-section part and always skip it. Each and every time I would jump to the next chapter as "that wasn't going to happen to me". Well, on my fifth baby, when they were rushing me in for an emergency C section, I sure was wishing I had read that section earlier! But at that point in the OR, while they were strapping my hands down to the table, it was too late, and so I felt complete panic when I could have been prepared. I think adoption from China is very similar to giving birth...it is much more rosy to only read the happy stories on APC, but I now encourage every family I meet to read the harder ones as well, because if you are the family who is handed a child that is limp and listless and who looks autistic, what you have learned in the past will help you make the right decision for your family during those very emotional first few days.

I have been called many times in the last few years by parents in China worried about their children. I agree that having a support network to help you through the initial time is essential. Everyone should go to China with at least one phone number of someone they can call if they are panicked upon meeting their new child. I remember feeling so alone when I was handed my daughter and she was so tiny and limp. Because our foundation often helps with the kids who have been disrupted, I am aware that sometimes there are children who have much more serious issues than originally reported...and that is such a hard thing for a parent to get to China and then discover their child is truly autistic or has serious mental delays. I think everyone on both the China and international side would agree that it is absolutely wrong of an orphanage to not be honest in their reports, and no one would excuse that, but I also know without a doubt that the majority of kids who are disrupted are just suffering from institutional issues and would catch up quickly in a loving home. It is always a very sad day for the orphanage and everyone involved when a child that they know is absolutely fine, but perhaps thin and grieving, is returned by their new parents for being "delayed".

I think far too many people believe their child's life is going to begin the moment they meet them. The truth is, and everyone must realize it...a child's life is going on RIGHT NOW in China, and all of their experiences are shaping who they are. The vast majority of aunties that I have met in China are such kind and caring people, but it absolutely is not the same as having a mom and dad at your beck and call. I have had new parents call and say "we didn't think living in an orphanage would affect her at all", and those statements truly puzzle me. How could they not contemplate life in an orphanage? Walk through Babies R Us and you will see every gadget known to man to make our children's lives here as ideal as possible. Now Americans have two way video monitors, so that when baby awakens not only can mommy see when to immediately rush in and comfort him, but she can talk to baby so that he doesn't even have one single second where he feels alone. How many new parents would have a newborn and then put that baby in a crib 22 hours a day on their own? How many would only feed their baby, even if they were really crying hard, every 8 hours? Or prop the bottle in her crib and then not watch to see if she ever really ate? Of course no one would do that...we feed newborns on demand, comfort on demand, love continuously...and whether people want to recognize it or not, that is NOT the life of an orphan in an institution....even when the aunties are as good as gold. I remember one night when I took some volunteers in for the night shift in an orphanage, when normally just a few aunties are working. One mom looked at me with tears in her eyes as she slowly realized that it was absolutely impossible with just two hands to feed every child, to comfort every child, to soothe every baby who was crying. She said her heart was aching to realize that her own daughter most likely had many, many times where she cried without someone to comfort her.....and she told me that for the first time she finally understood why her daughter had such a deep seated fear of being out of her mom's sight.

The aunties are trying their absolute best, but that doesn't equal mother/child care. I remember being in an orphanage in the north this past winter and the aunties were so proud of how they had 6-8 layers of clothes and blankets on every baby to keep them warm. They were swaddled so tight that they couldn't move, but it was freezing in the orphanage and so the aunties wanted the babies to stay as warm as possible. What alternative did they have? It really was freezing there...I was cold in my wool coat, so the babies couldn't be up and about with just 1-2 layers on, with the ability to move their arms and legs. To stay warm they had to be immobile, and so of course all of those kids have weak muscle tone. But the aunties were truly trying their best, and when a parent is give none of those beautiful children on adoption day, I am sure they will go back to their room with concern and say "she can't sit up by herself...she can't put weight on her legs". That is absolutely the truth, but she also survived 10 degree weather in a very cold province and she will catch up soon enough with parents to encourage her.

To not acknowledge that living in orphanage circumstances can cause lower body weights, low muscle tone, inability to make good eye contact is very sad to me. Can it be overcome? Most definitely! The one thing I have learned over and over again about the kids in China is that they are fighters and survivors. But for some reason, people seem to want to ignore these issues in public forums.

Recently, one of our medical babies that we had met several times in person was adopted, and we all knew that this child was a "spitfire". When the family arrived and spent a few days with her, they decided she was too much of a handful for them and they wanted to disrupt. She absolutely was not what they expected. When they called their agency, they were told they had two choices: adopt the child, bring her to the US, and change their expectations of what they were hoping for, or adopt the child, bring her to the US and the agency would have a family waiting at the airport to adopt her locally. Option three of leaving the child in China was never once given. I admire that agency so much, as they were thinking of the child and the child alone. The family followed through with the adoption and handed the little girl to a new family upon her arrival in the US. As horrible and tragic and emotional as it was for everyone involved...I still feel this was the right decision for the agency to make. It was done in the absolute best interest of the child, who had waited a long, long time for a family. I wish more agencies would advocate for the rights of the child, instead of always seeming to give in to the parents, especially in those cases when they know with absolute certainty that nothing is permanently wrong with the child. Recently with another disruption, the agency I spoke with told me that it was "easier" to just get the family a new baby. Sometimes easier does not equal right. The first baby who was rejected has now been labeled "mentally challenged" even though the agency knew the child was really going to be okay.

I think all of us, who do realize that delays occur and that babies can usually overcome them, should be these children's advocates by continually trying to educate new parents on what to expect in China. By helping them be better prepared, we just might help stop a disruption in the future. I love Chinese adoption with my whole heart, and it is my life's work...but I also want every family who goes to get their baby to go with their eyes open and to be as emotionally prepared as possible, for the child's sake.

Amy E"

1st Agency Info Meeting

2006-07-10T23:41:00.000-05:00

Whew! I think I am finally done catching up on emails, blogs, and forums from the weekend. I didn't really log on at all this weekend b/c the hotel charged $10 for high speed...insane! I opted to try and connect to an unsecured wireless network (there were a few available), but that didn't seem to work out too well...pages just kept crashing over and over...and I finally just gave up.

I had no idea how much time I really spent on the net these days, even on weekends! I felt a bit lost without connectivity, like something was missing...am I really that addicted?!?! LOL

Anyway, the trip was good, a little boring, but it was nice to get out of STL for a little bit. Always makes you appreciate home. We arrived at the info meeting for the agency at 9am and were told that the agency folks were late due to 'transportation' problems. At first I thought...yeah right, transportation problems??, but it turns out their plane was delayed an hour, so I guess I can forgive that one. Due to their tardiness, the presentation was really rushed. They flipped through each slide before anyone could read them and the director only gave very general details about their process and each program! They didn't really tell me much info that I didn't already know, but I kinda figured it would be that way. I went more to 'feel them out' so to speak. I am still deciding how I feel about them.

The best part of the meeting was when adoptive families came in with their adorable children and briefly talked about their experiences with adoption and the agency. I t was great to see real families and listen to their stories. There were children from Russia, China, and Vietnam. They were all so precious! One thing that did rub me the wrong way a little bit was how much they all *loved* the agency, and would not think twice about using them again. I realize these families already have their children and it is easy to forget the hard times, but they all talked like working with was the best experience ever and there were no bumps. Maybe the agency only recruits these types of people to come speak, maybe the families forgot, maybe they didn't want to say anything negative in front of the director...who knows. Maybe I am being a little too skeptical :) Anyway, I plan on contacting some of the families to learn more about their adoption process and relationship with the agency.

And the research continues...

Oh, and for any Big Brother 7 - All Stars fans/addicts out there...I have posted a link to *the* best BB7 website. I have used this website for the past 2 seasons, and plan on visiting it daily this season. It is great for those folks who don't want to subscribe to the live feeds but want to catch the hour-by-hour action in the house. I actually signed up for the live feeds last season but forced myself to cancel them early on b/c I was spending WAY too much time watching them :)

Moving Along...Slowly But Surely

2006-07-05T19:13:00.000-05:00

YAY...I received final confirmation today that I have been offered a full time position at a leading brokerage firm (or technically 'company' since they are public). I should start mid-August as I have to finish up the contract I am currently on. I am *very* excited about this opportunity. Not only is the company a well respected, with great opportunities for professional growth, but it is the final step in the list of 'things' I need to do before I start the adoption process :) Now I can fully concentrate and move forward with the process.

This weekend, I am actually taking a short road trip 4 hours northeast to attend an information session for one of the agencies I am looking at. I also will be attending an info session for another agency later this month. I am very excited about this. I need to start gathering all of my questions into a nicely organized doc to bring along. Hopefully there will be some one-on-one time with folks at the agency to get most of my initial questions answered.

I am dragging my poor friend A along on the road trip to a not-so-exciting city to keep me company this weekend. She is a great friend for going with me...well, she is a great friend in general, but especially super for giving up a weekend of her time to go. A and I usually take a vacation together each summer as we are the only two single, unattached girls in our circle of friends. This year, due to work obligations, we were not able to go anywhere, so this will be our *mini* vacation...woo hoo!

On the 'picking a country' front, I have contacted several agencies regarding my eligibility and due to a medical issue (insignificant in my mind), I have learned that Russia and Kazakhstan are out of the running. This is unfortunate because I have had my heart set on adopting from Kaz for quite a while. I seems it is not in God's plan for me to adopt from there. Now I am looking at Vietnam as a possibility. From what I have read, it seems to be a great fit for me and my situation. I have been doing a lot of research on Eastern Europe up to this point, so now I am quickly switching gears and looking into the East Asia area. My only concern about Vietnam is that so many people seem to be jumping on the band wagon for this country since it re-opened in late 2005. I don't know how that will affect singles in the coming months. I am going to try and not think too much about it until I meet with agencies later this month.

I'm No 'Dummy'!

2006-06-26T12:10:00.000-05:00

Random thought on last names...

Most people would say I have a strange last name. It is one that has kind of haunted me throughout childhood as it is easily made fun of. To give you an idea, Microsoft spell checker suggest 'Dummy' as an alternative spelling...and unfortunately, I have more than once 'accepted' this change instead of hitting 'ignore'. This can cause a bit of an embarrassing situation...I learned really quickly how to recall email messages!!! Anyway, when I was growing up I always said I wanted to get married as soon as possible to get rid of my last name. And now here I am single, and planning on raising a child with the same last name...my poor little sweetheart! I actually think it is a really cool last name. It is French/Dutch, and if people would just *think* before they pronounce it, they would probably get it right! It has a great history and I hope that my child also sees one day how wonderfully unique it really is...even if it takes the 20+ years it took me to appreciate it :)

The Beginning

2006-06-25T22:55:00.000-05:00

Where to begin...

I am a single female, quickly pushing 30, from the Midwest, and looking to adopt a child internationally. I have always known I wanted children, and for the past 2 or 3 years, my biological clock has started to tick tick tick. Unfortunately, I have not met "Mr. Right" as of yet but I am totally ready to be a mommy. The former I cannot control, but the latter I can, so here I am. I have been thinking about adoption for the past three years. To me, it seems to be the most natural thing in the world.

Through all of my research, I have stumbled upon some wonderful and inspiring blogs written by families who are either in the process, or have completed their adoptions. I thought it was such a neat idea, I decided to start one of my own. This blog is first and foremost for myself as a place to document my journey and keep everything in one place (so I can get rid of the tons of sticky notes with adoption info all around my house). Second, it is for family and friends to be able to stay updated on my journey. Last, but not least, it is for anyone else out there in the adoption process that may be able to learn from the experiences I go through in what I can only imagine will be a long and arduous journey. For the next few months, I expect my posts be few and far between while I research, but hopefully soon I will have much more to report!

I am currently in the 'researching and saving' mode. I am to decide on which country to adopt from as well as which agency to use. Of course, the more I research, the more I learn that the very first step is to pick a country and then agency. Picking a country is HARDER than I ever thought it would be. To me, it doesn't matter. I am not really concerned with race, color, or gender. So, I am sorting through country requirements and required stays to determine what would be the best fit. I am currently looking at Vietnam, Guatemala, and Kazakhstan. There are benefits and drawbacks to all three, and I am starting to drive myself crazy going back and forth between them, so I need to just pick one already!

I am also working on obtaining a permanent job WITH benefits. I currently working as an IT consultant / contractor but lucky me, I have an interview this week for a permanent job!! I am keeping my fingers crossed. Getting a permanent job is the last of the 'steps' I have been working towards to officially start the adoption process.

A little note about the name of this blog...

...since I am in such the early stages of the adoption process and I do not yet know the country, don't have a name picked out, etc., I have decided to name this blog is after one of my two kitties. Noelle is my 8 year old short hair tuxedo cat that I adopted from the Humane Society on Dec. 24, 1998 (hence the name). She is the one that will *always* be sitting on my lap when I am working, researching, and blogging! I cannot however forget to mention my other feisty cat, Marcel. He is my 7 1/2 year old big boy. He is also a short hair tuxedo and most people comment that they look like brother and sister, though they are not. They are both my sweeties :)

Noelle

Marcel